Keeping the Books
by TheWriteGirl1979
Summary: When Satan's Accountant crosses paths with God's, you can always count on fireworks.


 _Since the birth of time, both God and Satan have had to keep records of the souls that come to them. On each side, there is an accountant to keep those records. No matter how good, or how bad, every human will be on either his book or mine. However, there is the rare soul that appears in both, but that does not change their fate, just their destination and how long they spend in hell. Just like a prison, there are some that do their time, serve their punishment and are sent to me. Others, even if they start out well, earn their way into spending eternity with him. It does not matter to us, since in the end; they will all be accounted for._

(A.N. Melchom is the name of the demon in charge of the treasury in Hell, so I thought it a fitting name for the Accountant. I just like the idea of Lilith being his female counterpart, since she is reputed to have been Adam's first wife, but too much of a handful for him.)

"Melchom, get your scrawny ass over here!" Lilith flipped her inky black hair over her shoulder as she wiped a bloodstain off the skirt of her ivory colored suit. Her counterpart smirked as he watched her, the four people with them looking dazed and confused. "What the fuck do you think you're doing here? These four are in my book, not yours." He gave her another smug grin before pointing to the man standing away from the other three.

"Causing the death of innocents will get a soul placed in my book, Lily my dear, as you know. He drove drunk and killed all three of them. He goes with me." Her glare darkened and she stormed towards him.

"He made one fuck-up, you arrogant jackass. One, in a lifetime of trying to do right by others, so he stays in my book!" Melchom flipped his coin a few times before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a slim volume.

"I didn't say his time in my book was permanent, Lilith, but he must do his penance." Lily opened her own book and frowned when she saw that there was now a note added next to the disputed entry, confirming Melchom's words. "I told you, sweetheart."

"Fuck you!" Lily snarled before stomping over to the other three, trying to keep her temper under control as the young mother covered her daughter's ears. Melchom's next words saw that temporary truce come to an abrupt end.

"Your place or mine?" His blue eyes widened as he dodged the ball of white-hot flames that singed the top of his hair, before she turned on her heel and stormed off with her three, leaving him with the crying drunk. Sighing, Melchom shook his head. "Too late for that now, Mr. Davis. You will serve your time, and then continue with your eternity under her auspices." He led the man away before two other beings appeared.

"Sometimes I wonder how long it will take those two to figure out that they entertain both sides when they fight?" Lucifer chuckled and lit a cigar, handing another one over to Elohim, who did the same.

"No idea, mate. Rumor has it that a couple of yours have a betting pool going on about it?" Elohim nodded and took a pull.

"Yeah, Harri Tudor and Rich Plantagenet started it after they fought over Tom More, George Boleyn and Tom Cromwell. Harri thinks that they will just beat the shit out of each other, while Rich believes they will find another way to resolve their differences." Lucifer snorted as his companion waggled his brows.

"I'm with Trey on that one. How many are in on it?" Elohim shrugged and summoned the two in question. Harri was in the middle of teasing his friend over the fact that though Rich would finally have a decent tomb, it looked like a knife sharpener. Lucifer put a bid in the pool, choosing the day after Elohim's before all four vanished, leaving no trace they had ever been there.

Shortly after the drunk driving incident, John Milton escaped his cell. Melchom was irritated, especially after finding out that Milton managed to steal his employer's gun before getting out. After it was over, and Jonah King had been obliterated from existence on any plane, Melchom finally turned his attention to Lilith. During the entire debacle, he could see her sitting back and munching on popcorn as the escapee and the young mortal that was now Milton's pseudo-adopted daughter led Melchom on a merry chase. Her smirk was grating on his nerves as he crossed his arms over his chest once Milton was safely locked back in.

"Something that you find amusing?" Lily stifled a giggle as she looked at her fellow immortal. The Godkiller had left a scar on his cheek, much to her delight, since it would be harder for him to try to act all superior with her anymore.

"Yep. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one you're good at pissing off, Mel." He scowled and reached for a handful of the popcorn, only for her to snatch the bowl away. "Uh huh…you forgot to say 'please'". Melchom moved his hand, smirking as he quickly snatched the bowl from her. "Hey!" She stood up, trying to grab the bowl back while he held it over her head and smirked at her. "Give me back my popcorn, asshole!"

"Temper, temper, dear Lily. We don't want a repeat of the last couple of times you had PMS, do we?" Mel smirked as she glared at him. "I don't think that Egypt ever recovered completely, but at least you didn't go as far with them as you did with poor Sodom and Gomorrah. I…ooof" He doubled over when she elbowed him in the crotch, grabbing the bowl and stomping back to her couch. Melchom was still breathing heavily as he tried to stand upright, making a mental note to not say that again when her elbow was in range. Immortal or not, a shot to the nuts still fucking hurt.

The next time that the two crossed paths was again in the United States, where a con man died saving the lives of two children in a fire at the apartment building that they all lived in. Finally, Lucifer had enough and came with Elohim to do the job that their Accountants were too busy arguing to handle. Once the newly arrived soul had been taken down to begin his punishment, Lucifer and Elohim returned to their bickering employees.

"Bloody hell, mate." Lucifer said, shaking his head in disbelief. Elohim cleared his throat loudly.

"Will the two of you just go ahead and fuck each other's brains out before you drive the rest of us insane?" Both Accountants turned to look at their respective employers and started yelling at each other even more, now over whose fault it was that they were in trouble. Elohim groaned and turned to Lucifer. "Care to join the poker game tonight, Luke? Those two aren't going to stop anytime soon."

"Obviously…and yes, Eli, I do believe that I will join in tonight." The two left, and Lily glared at Mel.

"You condescending prick, this is all your fault. Why the fuck do you insist on getting in my fucking way all the time." Mel looked at her, and though he knew she was liable to launch a fireball at his dick, grabbed her and kissed her hard. Lily pulled away and reared her hand back, slapping him hard before grabbing him and kissing him. Suddenly, a voice rang out.

"For fucks sake, get a room!" Lily glared at their audience before grabbing Mel and snapping her fingers, the two vanishing. Lucifer inclined his head at the group and grinned.

"Thanks, Rich. By the way, who had today in the pool?" The former Richard III of England grinned and poked his successor in the arm.

"You've got the list, Harri." His friend chuckled and pulled out a memo book and glanced over it.

"Looks like the winner is my daughter-in-law." Harri looked over where a dark-haired woman was showing off at one of the screens that served to aid in the punishments of Hell's inmates. "Anne! Anne, can you stop torturing Henry for a bit? You won the Lilith/Melchom pool. Fucking with my son's head can wait a bit" Anne just grinned and held out her hand for her winnings, then looked up as the room started shaking. Harri chuckled as Rich shook his head.

"Anne, you know we love you, but how much longer will you make Tubbo Tudor suffer? It's been five hundred years already" The brunette grinned and took her seat.

"Actually, Rich, it's only been four hundred and eighty as of today. Maybe when it gets to five full centuries, I might consider cutting him a bit of slack." The shaking paused as some of the other denizens of heaven and a few of the off-duty guards in hell took their seats for the poker game, before starting up again even harder. Anne glanced over at Lucifer and Elohim, who were both grinning at the ceiling.

"How long do you think they will be going at one another?" Eli chuckled and looked at Luke, who shrugged and cut the cards.

"Who knows? They've got about six thousand years of sexual frustration to fuck out of their systems. It's probably going to take a while." He pushed the deck over. "Your deal, Eli."


End file.
